Iron Man 2

Rated PG-13

Catholic-ometer: 1 of 5

Enjoyability: 1.5 of 5

This is easily one of the worst superhero films I've seen in my life.

I love superheros, because they're tough guys (and girls) who try to do the right thing, no matter what.  They do mess up sometimes (like Spider-man did in the second movie,) but soon they're back on their feet, sobered and ready to make their commitment again.

I have to admit, this is what I liked most about the first Iron Man movie.  I found flaws in it, but Tony's commitment to getting the job done and making amends for some of his past sins made the film a likable experience overall, even though the main character still has a lot of problems which he's yet to overcome.

This film contains none of the atonement plot of the first.  Instead, Tony Stark, whose identity as Iron Man is now public knowledge, dances, sings, brags, drives fast cars, womanizes, gets drunk, tells bad jokes, gets sick, gets in trouble, has a brief falling-out with one of his friends, and generally makes himself a nuisance.  The character (an irritant in the first film) comes across as merely a spoiled, hyperactive man-child in this movie, and no real consequences are brought against him for it.  He's given what he needs to solve his problems, he solves his problems, and can go back to being a jerk.  Hooray?

Probably the worst aspect of the film, however, are the villains.  There are two; a lousy, jealous weapons designer named Justin Hammer, who's even more hyper, spoiled and pop-culture-infused than the title character is, and a psychotic thug/mad scientist named Ivan Vanko, who never displays any dimensions to his character other than "be evil," while paradoxically and insultingly wearing a cross and carrying what looks like a rosary.  Right.  As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate this film.

Come to think of it, the two-villain MO; one a goofy, silly wisecracker, the other a power-mad psychopath, reminds me unpleasantly of Batman Forever.

The main plot of this movie is a lot skinnier than in the past.  Evil bad guy has technology.  Evil bad guy attacks.  Evil bad guy loses.  The end.

To compensate for this, they stick in about four subplots.  The first is about the government wanting to take control of Iron Man.  The second is about Tony getting close to death from the chemical in the battery he's been using for his Iron Man armor.  The third involves Shield keeping an eye on him.  Spoilers; none of these first three subplots goes anywhere.

That brings us to subplot 4; the war machine armor being stolen by Tony's friend when he realizes that Tony is too big of a jerk to leave in sole possession of it.  This subplot goes somewhere, but only in terms of helping to set up a team-up between Iron Man and War Machine near the end of the film; a hero/sidekick team-up, which is reminiscent, again, of Batman Forever.

I didn't mind the first film so much, in spite of its shallow villain, jerky main character and so forth, but this film really has nothing to offer.  Its weak points are just as weak as in the original, and the strengths of the first film are gone.  On top of that, it has a bunch of additional flaws and insulting lines and references that bring it down even more.  About the only good thing I can say about it is that it introduces the character of Black Widow, but even this is only of interest to people who know about the character already.  To everybody else, she'll probably come off as a knockoff of Trinity from the Matrix.

I had some hope for superhero movies when Marvel started making their own.  After all, Hollywood superhero movies have always been hit or miss.  However, this movie just goes to show that even non-Hollywood superhero movies can still be utter train wrecks.